Kruiser’s (Almost) Daily Distraction: The Only ‘Plant-Based’ Food I Want Is Plants

News & Politics

One thing that I would like to make clear up front is that I am not opposed to anyone’s dietary choices. Food is personal, and if you want to be an herbivore, an omnivore, a carnivore, or, as I am for much of each summer, a beerivore (it’s a word now that I’ve used it), that’s fine with me.

I am, however, getting a bit worn out by the phrase “plant-based,” especially after recently seeing it applied to cheese.

via GIPHY

In this ever-changing world, a line has to be drawn somewhere. Mine are almost always drawn in cheese.

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Plant-based cheese may be getting more appetizing,” read the headline of a recent article at Ars Technica. The sub-heading asked, “Can we skip the dairy and still get a cheese that doesn’t taste like plants?”

Our own VodkaPundit offered this alternative sub-heading, which I like better: “Or maybe not.”

I know quite a few vegetarians, vegans, and pescatarians; you bump into a lot of them when you spend over 20 years living in Southern California. Again, I don’t judge, and I understand most of their reasons for making the switch. Contrary to the prevailing narrative, they didn’t offer explanations for their choices. I asked.

What I’ve never understood is why so many of them are dying to recreate the foods that they voluntarily gave up.

The Ars Technica article goes into great detail about why it’s so difficult to make cheese-flavored stuff out of plants. From my grill-adjacent perch over here in Carnivore Acres, I assume that it’s because plants taste like plants.

It should be noted that I am not one of those “salads are rabbit food” meat eaters. I love vegetables. I was the weird kid who ate all of his veggies except asparagus, which is the only vegetable I’ve never liked. It was the only one my dad didn’t like too. Please don’t share your way of preparing it. I’ve tried almost everything, and it always tasted the way I know it’s going to make my urine smell.

One of my biggest gripes about modern society is that so many pricey restaurants that serve expensive meat ruin the whole thing with a side of asparagus. But I’m off topic — let’s get back to broccoli-based cheese.

While I am generally a fan of variety, I also would like there to be a few constants in life. I don’t need some aproned kitchen alchemist trying to convert chard into cheddar cheese in an effort to get on “Chopped” without having to go to rehab for heroin.

Let beets be beets and keep your paws off of my parmesan.

I prefer a high fat/low carb way of eating these days. Cheese the way God intended it is an integral part of that. In fact, I’ve often said that if I had to give up all foods except one, I’d keep cheese.

If they ever do make a tasty plant-based cheese, all it will do is get me beelining to the toilet. Or, as I like to call it, the Asparagus Flavor Receptacle.

I’m off to have brisket tacos for dinner.

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