Eminem is Right. Vivek Ramaswamy Should Never Rap Again.

News & Politics

I’ve tried very hard to ignore the Republican primary race and all of the candidates. There are few things I hate more than primaries, but I found one thing I hate more: candidates running for political office who rap. There is nothing I hate more than this. Even Dylan Mulvaney winning a Streamy for best breakout streamer isn’t as bad as this.

Michael Cantrell wrote about this ear assault earlier, and everything he said is right on — go read it — but I feel there’s more to be said. What is the deal with Republicans trying to be cool? Listen to me, Republicans: You will never be cool. Never. Not in a million years. Stop trying. Be okay with your reputation as stiff shirts with no game. There’s always a time and a place for serious adults in government, and that’s what this country needs. It does not need a bunch of awkward normies trying to develop a swagger. STOP IT.

Unless you are a rapper, don’t rap. Ever. Unless you play an instrument for real, don’t pick one up. You are not a rock star. You are a politician, which is the opposite of a cool rock star. Be okay with that. We don’t need more entertainers in politics. We need people who can’t dance but can fix budgets and make serious decisions. We do not need whatever this is.

No. Just no! You’re not running for the dance team, ma’am. You’re running for some boring office or something, and whatever that office does will affect people’s lives. Pretend like you know this is serious business. I don’t know much about Ramaswamy or whoever this blonde Lizzo wannabe is, but I know that if you want me to vote for you, you’d better stop acting like a teenager who can’t get a date.

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Maybe we should reconsider doing any of this every four years. There has to be a better way to choose candidates than watching eight or nine people make fools of themselves for months on end. I would prefer a Hunger Games-style primary. Let’s drop them all off in the woods, and whoever makes it out alive in three months gets it. Or we could put them into a reality-style show where they are each put in charge of a failing company for a year and whoever’s company recovers and profits the most gets the nomination. Doesn’t that make more sense than whatever it is that we are doing?

Ramaswamy’s camp tried to tell us that he was just “cutting loose” and that we should all relax. Well, sorry. The economy is tanking. I just spent $100 on a backpack for school. One HUNDRED dollars. I spent $350 on two kids’ school shoes. I can’t keep this up. No one can. And what are our supposed candidates for president doing instead of hitting Joe Biden over the head with this terrible economy??? They’re rapping and dancing the night away.

These are bad optics, folks. Not only that, but I’m starting to wonder if any of these elitists understand the pain we are in down here. I can’t afford to feed my family the way we used to anymore, and this guy is rapping. Sorry if I’m no fun, but no one is having fun out here in flyover country.

We’re not dancing and singing, guys! We’re freaking out wondering if we need second jobs. We’re pushing out our retirements by ten years. We’re scrapping vacations and plans to buy big-ticket items. We’re trying to calculate how many more miles we can put on vehicles that are already way over 100,000 miles. We’re telling our kids to get scholarships because we can’t afford to send them to college.

We’re not rapping. We’re not dancing. We’re suffering. So can the Republican candidates cut the sh*t and just run for the job they say they want without the stupidity? I know it’s a lot to ask out of the GOP, who is historically stupid and cringey. But it’s all I really want this year: serious people who can solve serious problems, not dancing fools.

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