Lenin’s Back on Jagger and Healthcare


D0 not be alarmed, comrades, that I, V. I. Lenin, here again so soon from mausoleum after first time to address you. Once you back from what people’s author Raymond Chandler call “Big Sleep,” it become difficult to stop self-commenting affair of day.

And we have extreme serious counter-revolutionary problem, tovariches — almost as bad Stalin rescind my New Economic Policy for idiot Five-Year Plan, doomed to failure before start. He was dumb as AOC.

But never mind. Real danger today come from skillionaire – almost as rich Elton John libertarian (although he hide from public) graduate of London School Economic (feh!) Sir Mick Jagger! He have heart valve problem and go to New York for replacement with private doctor instead of waiting turn British National Health like good people’s artist. It would only have been few month. Or years. What betrayal of working class!

Worse yet — operation success… Okay, don’t tell capitalist friend. Everyone supposed to wish well sick person. So just say, I wish well. But what do you expect Jagger? His lyric always hidden capitalist message — like “Jumpin’ Jack Flash is a gas gas gas” secret propaganda to use Americansky natural gas instead Russian pipeline to our dear East German comrade Angela. May she be buried with other revolutionary hero by Kremlin Wall!

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Needless say, bolsheviki, I never like Rolling Stone. (If you listen carefully “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” you hear Jagger actually sing “Jumpin’ Jack Frak!”)  Much prefer Beatle, favorite song, I know for sure you guess, “Back in USSR.” Many time I lay in tomb watching guards march back and forth, (not goose-step, please) I hum myself: ”I’m back in the USSR/You don’t know how lucky you are, boy/Back in the US/Back in the US/Back in the USSR.”

Catchy, no? By way, in case you not know, I listen music with heart and stomach because brain not in tomb. My brain at Moscow Brain Institute in glass jar with brains Stalin, film director Eisenstein (“Ivan the Terrible,” much too long), and poor poet Mayakovsky who commit suicide before worker paradise complete. Oh, well.

Anyway, back to serious matter healthcare. I read on internet — yes, we have wi-fi mausoleum… but Robert Mueller have password, so must change — some punditsky say I write socialized medicine best road of all to communist society. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.  My Collected Works 45 volumes, so hard to remember, even for me. But not bad idea. You control life and death — you control it all.

In fact, I start doing way back beginning revolution. Best soldiers, best supporters get best doctor and clinic. Mensheviks, other counter-revolutionary swine and dog get treatment with smallpox victim or even leper. Stalin make systematic with nomenklatura – name list for you, Yankee imperialist — of right people who get best care and everything else (big desk with red phone connected direct Kremlin).

This method never stop as best medical care into 1980s went to scriptwriters. Scriptwriters? (Don’t choke, tovarich!) Yes, true.  Best clinic in Moscow — quite famous because almost all terrible — in special writers building to make sure scripts always on party line. Sort of like your Hollywood.

Anyway, since I dead, I tell you truth about healthcare. But please keep secret, comrades. No healthcare system work because not enough to go around. None. All, as you Americansky say, suck — socialist, capitalist, you name.  When your Obama say, “You can keep doctor. You can keep plan,” I laugh in mausoleum at silly lie only imbecile CNN reporter believe.

But even bigger secret you must keep, because would tarnish name V. I. Lenin and no one buy book. If you have socialized medicine, best people, smartest, no longer doctor. Go run hedge fund. I not know about you, but when I really sick, not very interested in hedge fund.

So maybe socialized medicine not so good. It also cause big problem for Stalin who die under mysterious circumstance. Of course, they do same thing your Democrats — blame Jews.

Okay, back to mausoleum, but first must answer promised question from last time. How does Lenin feel about same-sex marriage? Frankly, Lenin not interested in who marry who. Marry your horse, if you want. Just have good horse lawyer.

Next time, more on campaign 2020. Tell you how I met Bernie Sanders in sing-along Novosibirsk. Will answer question — is Bernie good enough Communist to be president?


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